Why I am not a Christian

Bertrand Russell once wrote an essay or book titled "Why I am not a Christian". I have not read that book. But from what I gather he talks about why it is not reasonable to be a Christian. I on the other hand think that it is completely rational to become a Christian. I believe that Jesus is the Son of God who was given to die for our sins. I believe that the Bible is a/the holy book . So here I do not wish to discuss facts in so much as they concern the existence of God, Jesus being the Christ/messiah, or if Jesus is the one and only way to heaven. I believe these things. However, here I would like to explain why I no longer call myself a Christian.

I believe that a Christian is one who tries to follow Jesus' teaching the best they can. I say 'to the best they can' because I am not sure that anyone can do so perfectly; I am not sure if anyone can't. I am just not certain. I am also hesitant to say that anyone else is because I am unable to see their "heart" although I know a few people who are outstanding individuals who come very close.

My Story
Ever since I thought that I became a Christian, I have been constantly faced with parts of the Bible that challenge my sincerity; scripture that forces me to ask myself if I am truly a Christian. Key passages have been: Matthew 19:16-24, 22:17-21, 10:9-10,28-31, 5:2-10, 6:25-34. These I summarize into that last verse I referenced:
Matthew 6:33
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
I have tried but always fall short. I have tried letting go and letting Jesus. Or maybe I have always fooled myself to think that I was trying but I still alway help on to something else.
Early in my "Christian days" I have had this crazy idea that I ought to go away from everything and trust only in God. In times it seemed that this would be the only may I could cause myself to completely rely on God. I always dismissed this idea as some kind of "escapist" mentality that I have. However, if seemed that the more I read the Bible the more this idea grew in me. "I would go away and leave everything behind and not plan on coming back and if it was God's plan for me to come back I would" This idea was always there. When I read the Bible people like Moses, Joseph, Jonah, Paul and even Jesus would be prominent in my mind as people who left (willing or not) their lives; at least for a portion of their lives.

A few years ago the "idea" became a constant thought in my mind. I could not escape it. I began to think of ways to realize it. However, I was still afraid. I wasn't sure if I could trust God. I did not think of it in these terms. To say 'I didn't trust God' was to commit heresy. I finally picked a date; I would give God an opportunity to completely invade my life. I decided that the least thing I could do was to go to the airport (pre-9/11) and just sit there and pray and meditate on whatever. This way if God wanted to He could provide a means to change my life: a ticket to somewhere or someone to talk to who would rattle my mind with a new way of life or simply nothing would happen and I could see if the idea would become a memory. I don't need to go into detail because the date came and went. That day was a sad day for me. It was that day that I realized that I did not Love God. I could say that I loved God. I could sing songs and look at a sunset and feel some kind of affection for my Creator. I was thankful that He provided a sacrifice for my sins. Nonetheless, the truth of the matter was that after years of reading the Bible and praying and other things I did not Love God enough to just simply go to the airport.

After this event I would slowly lose my "Christian-ness". For a while I called it Christian liberty. Things were not as clear as they are now. Things still are not as clear as I want them to be. There was denial, confusion, depression, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts, purposelessness, etc. Some that still occur. Then I came to a realization which I talk about in the next section and after this realization I decided to STOP calling myself a Christian.


A Christian's Love
Jesus when He was talking to His disciple the night before He was to be killed said:
"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." Jhn 13:34
So we have here that Jesus is giving a New Command. The first most interesting thing about this is that this New Command is that it gets almost no attention in most churches these days. It was a big deal when God gave the ten commandments and here Jesus adds one and hardly anyone blinks an eye or adds it to the list of commandments or replaces the old commandments with the new one. Nonetheless, this is not 'why I am not a Christian' so lets move on. Jesus is telling His followers that their new commandment is to love one another as HE loves them. Jesus not only died for them but He lived for them as well. He never turned them away. Even Judas who would betray Him, and who is probably sitting right there, Jesus did not turn away, even when Jesus knew that Judas would betray Him. After Jesus says this he qualifies the statement with:
"By this shall all [men] know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." Jhn 13:35
Jesus tells His followers that all people will know if they are true followers (aka Christians) by whether they follow this commandment or not. Unfortunately this commandment seems all but lost in the church these days.
After more discussion, including:
"He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him." Jhn 14:21
Jesus talks about this commandment again, but before He does He brings this commandment to a whole new level:
"As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love." Jhn 15:9
So Jesus loves them the same way that the Father loves Him... Remember that. Ok next:
"If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love. These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and [that] your joy might be full." Jhn 15:10-11
Ok now He gives again, the new commandment:
"This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you." Jhn 15:12
So if we use the rules of deduction (if a=b and b=c then a=c) We can translate this to mean:
This is my commandment, that you love one another, as God the Father loves Jesus. If that is not deep enough to think about for a few days lets continue. Jesus goes onto say:
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." Jhn 15:13
Jesus commands His followers not only to love each other as God loves Him but that they would love each other so much that they would die for them. He says there is no greater love than this. So I think I can reasonably conclude that living for them and helping them to any extent would fall below this and would also be part of the commandment. Which would go onto my next topic of humility and not considering yourself greater than your "brother". However we are not done here.
After Jesus is done with talking to His disciples, John gives us an intimate insight into the prayer life of Jesus and what He prays for is those who believe in Him and those who will believe in Him. And He says something that could probably be used as the biggest weapon against the current church and possibly to the authenticity of Jesus Himself:
"That they all may be one; as thou, Father, [art] in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me. And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one:" Jhn 17:21-22
What I gather from this is that if those who claim to follow Jesus are one than this is a proof that Jesus has been sent by God into the world. I don't want to elaborate too much because this is not a reason 'why I am not a Christian' However, I do believe it is a valid complaint. My answer to such a complaint would be that those who do not have a unifying spirit are not truly Christian and I would refer you back to Jhn 13:35 where Jesus specifies that His true followers are those who keep the new commandment.
Jesus goes on to say something that is quite mind boggling; and considering it is not far from the new commandment just given, it is very interesting.
"I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me." Jhn 17:23
If we take this to be: God loves us the same way He loves Jesus and if we consider that "God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son" Jhn 3:16 Then we can take "This is my commandment, that you love one another, as God the Father loves Jesus", which I reasoned earlier and put in our new piece of information we could reasonably translate Jesus' new commandment to be : love one another, as God loves you that He would not even withhold His Son's life for your sins.

This is by all means a supernatural love and only a love that God could instill in someone. Would I give my Son's life for some one's sins? I look within myself and I do not think I can do such a thing. This is just being completely honest. And this is why I am not a Christian. We could have stopped at the first verse with Jesus giving us the new commandment of "love each other the way Jesus loves you; that He would die for you" and I don't know if I could meet up to that. And if a lot of other people who call themselves "Christian" would really ask them if they meet up to this criteria of being a Christian; I think that they too would no longer call themselves Christian.

Nonetheless, I hope that one day God would be so merciful to bless me with this kind of love.

To be continued?